Bagel Jokes & Puns: 150+ Breadwinning Quips

Get ready to laugh your buns off because we’ve got the 🥯 best bagel puns and jokes this side of the schmear! 😄 This is the ultimate list of funny bagel jokes for kids and adults who are bread-winners of humor. Get your cream cheese ready for some clever and positively hilarious puns – we’ve got everything from rye-diculous one-liners to puns that are totally knead-worthy! 😂 Get ready to spread the laughter!

Top Bagel Puns & Jokes – Editor’s Picks: Guaranteed to Make You LOL & Nom

1. Why did the bagel go to the beach? To get a little toasty.
2. What’s a bagel’s favorite type of music? Anything with a good beat.
3. Did you hear about the bagel who became a stand-up comedian? He was always on a roll.
4. What did the philosophical bagel say to the toaster? “I donut believe in an afterlife.”
5. Why don’t bagels work well in orchestras? They always want to play the middle C.
6. I used to work at a bagel factory, but I quit. It was just too much kneading.
7. Why did the bagel get in trouble at school? He kept getting caught rye-ting notes in class.
8. You know, I’ve always wondered… If you injure a bagel, is it considered assault or batter-y?
9. What do you call a bagel that likes to fight? A cinnamon-mon roll!
10. My friend tried to convince me he was a bagel sculptor. I was like, “Show me some of your work!” He just shrugged.
11. Why are bagels such bad secret agents? They always crack under pressure.
12. You butter believe it! Bagels are the best thing since sliced bread.
13. What’s the best way to stay up-to-date on the latest bagel news? Follow the bread-cast.
14. I tried to make a bagel tower, but it kept falling over. Guess I wasn’t using enough cream cheese to hold it together.
15. Never tell a bagel a secret… They’re always eavesdropping!

Funny Bagel One-Liner Jokes That Will Make You Split Like A Poppy Seed

1. What’s a bagel’s favorite genre of music? Anything poppy seed.
2. Did you hear about the bagel who joined the circus? He ran away with the cream cheese.
3. I went to a bagel store called “The Hole Truth”… turns out, they were just full of lies.
4. Why don’t they serve bagels in prison? They’re afraid of the hole-life sentence.
5. My friend said plain bagels are boring. I said, “Hey, don’t be so salty!”
6. What do you get when you cross a bagel and a dinosaur? I don’t know, but it’s bread-taking!
7. How does a bagel say hello? “Wassup, dough?”
8. I got fired from my job at the bagel shop for taking too many breaks. Apparently, I was always loafing around.
9. I wanted to open a bakery called “The Upper Crust” but everyone kept telling me it was a crumby idea.
10. Bagels are like the internet of breakfast foods. Lots of potential, usually toasted, and best enjoyed with a schmear.
11. Never ask a bagel for relationship advice. They’re always bread-winning.
12. Why did the bagel blush? It saw the salad dressing!
13. I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey… then I turned myself around. Now I’m hooked on bagels!
14. My therapist told me to find something to do that kneads my creativity. Guess I’ll go bake some bagels.
15. What’s a bagel’s least favorite day of the week? Fry-day!

QnA Jokes & Puns about Bagel: Get Ready to Loaf!

1. Q: Why did the bagel go to the doctor? A: It was feeling crumby.
2. Q: What’s a bagel’s favorite type of music? A: Anything with a good schmear!
3. Q: Why don’t they allow bagels in concerts? A: They might get the whole crowd toasted.
4. Q: What’s the difference between a bagel and a donut? A: A bagel went to college.
5. Q: What did the angry customer yell when they were unhappy with their bagel? A: “I demand to see the manager…of this hole!”
6. Q: Why was the bagel blushing? A: It saw the salad dressing.
7. Q: What kind of bagel can fly? A: A plain bagel!
8. Q: How did the bagel pay for its coffee? A: With cream cheese!
9. Q: What’s a bagel’s least favorite day of the year? A: Fry-day!
10. Q: Why did the sesame seed leave the bagel? A: Because it needed some space!
11. Q: What’s the most popular bagel at the beach? A: A sun-dried tomato bagel.
12. Q: Why did the bagel break up with the croissant? A: Because they said they were just too different – they weren’t on the same page.
13. Q: What did the dad bagel say to his son before the race? A: “Don’t worry, it’s just a roll in the park.”
14. Q: Why are bagels so strong? A: They have a lot of gluten-tenacity!
15. Q: What do you call a bagel that likes to party? A: A rye-ot!
16. Q: Why are bagels always invited to parties? A: They’re always the life of the poppy!

Dad Jokes About Bagel: Guaranteed to Raise a Schmear-y Smile

1. Why don’t bagels ever get lost? Because they always use their inner GPS!
2. What did the grandpa bagel say to the little bagel? “You’re looking very well-rounded today!”
3. Did you hear about the bagel who became a lawyer? He was known for his bread-winning arguments.
4. Why did the bagel go to the bank? To get a loan.
5. I went to a bagel shop that sold everything in halves. I asked, “Do you sell bagel halves?” He said, “Of course!”
6. What kind of bagel can fly? A plain bagel.
7. Why did the sesame seed leave the bagel? Because he was bored!
8. What’s a bagel’s favorite musical genre? Pop music!
9. How do trees get on the internet? They log in! What about bagels? They use their fiber optics.
10. I went to the doctor because I thought I was allergic to bagels. Turns out, it was just a crumb of truth.
11. What do you call a bagel that’s always running late? Procrastinating.
12. Why did the bagel blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
13. What’s the best thing to put on a bagel? Another bagel, because then you have two bagels!
14. Why did the police arrest the bagel? He was kneady for questioning.

Funny Quotes About Bagel: Guaranteed to Make You Toast with Laughter

1. “You know you’re in love when you’d share your last bagel, even if it’s an everything bagel and they only asked for plain.”
2. “Life is like a bagel, you might get it with everything, but it’s still empty in the middle.” (Deep, yet delicious.)
3. “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it. Especially if it’s a bagel.”
4. “My therapist told me to find something to obsess over that brings me joy. Guess I’m opening a bagel shop.”
5. “Forget diamonds, I’d rather have a bagel with a schmear. And by schmear, I mean the entire container.”
6. “I’m not saying I’m addicted to bagels, but I do carry a spare in my purse… you know, just in case.”
7. “They say money can’t buy happiness, but have you ever tried buying a dozen bagels? Case closed.”
8. “Sure, I believe in love at first sight. Especially when it comes to a fresh-baked, everything bagel.”
9. “Sleep? I don’t need sleep. I need coffee and a bagel. Then maybe a nap, but mostly the bagel.”
10. “My love for you is like a bagel: perfectly round, full of dough-eyed adoration, and best served warm.”
11. “You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy bagels. And that’s kind of the same thing.”
12. “Warning: Consuming too many bagels may result in extreme happiness and a slight bellyache. Proceed with caution.”
13. “I’m not sure what’s more impressive, the architectural genius of the bagel’s hole, or the amount of cream cheese I can fit in it.”
14. “Some people dream of exotic vacations. I dream of walking into a bakery and finding the last everything bagel is still warm.
15. “I don’t always eat bagels, but when I do, I pretend it’s a healthy breakfast. Don’t judge me, you do it too.”
16. “They say laughter is the best medicine. But have they tried a toasted bagel with melted butter? I rest my case.”
17. “In a world full of croissants and muffins, be a bagel: unique, doughy, and always satisfying.”

Funny Proverbs & Wise Sayings about Bagel: Guaranteed to Make You Toast with Laughter

1. A bagel in the hand is worth two in the toaster. (Because let’s be honest, they’re irresistible when warm and crispy).
2. Early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise to buy bagels by the dozen. (Bulk buying saves money, it’s just science).
3. You can’t have your bagel and eat it too…unless you split it with someone you love. (Sharing is caring, especially when it comes to delicious carbs).
4. Give a man a bagel, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to make bagels, and he’ll open a trendy bakery. (Empowerment through baking, that’s the dream).
5. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the bagel (with all the good toppings). (Sometimes patience is rewarded with extra schmear).
6. Life is like a bagel: it’s what you spread on it that counts. (Choose your toppings – and your attitude – wisely).
7. A penny saved is a penny earned, but a bagel saved is a tragedy. (Life is too short for stale bagels).
8. The best things in life are free, but a really good bagel will cost you about $3.50. (Inflation, am I right?)
9. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it appreciate a perfectly toasted bagel. (Some things just can’t be explained).
10. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither is a bagel tower…but boy is it satisfying when it stands tall. (Great things take time, patience, and maybe some toothpicks).
11. Don’t judge a bagel by its hole; judge it by the deliciousness it holds. (Inner beauty is what truly matters…in bagels and in life).
12. Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two halves of a bagel make a whole lot of deliciousness. (Sometimes, two wrongs make a satisfying snack).
13. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When life gives you bagels, make a sandwich. (Always look for the silver lining…especially if it involves cured salmon).
14. Birds of a feather flock together, and people who love bagels stick together. (Friendship based on shared culinary passion is a beautiful thing).
15. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and the bagel crispier in the toaster. (Sometimes a little distance makes the reunion all the sweeter…and crunchier).
16. In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count, it’s the bagels in your years. (Words to live by, friends).

Bagel Double Entendre Puns: Guaranteed to Make You Lol & Lox

1. “You’re my everything bagel!” (You complete me vs. you’re as appealing as a bagel with all the toppings).
2. “Let’s get this bagel rolling!” (Let’s start vs. let’s eat these bagels).
3. “He’s got a lot on his bagel right now.” (He’s busy vs. his bagel is piled high with toppings).
4. “Don’t be so shellfish with your bagel!” (Share your food vs. don’t be protective over a simple bread item).
5. “She’s the cream cheese to my bagel.” (We’re a perfect pair vs. our relationship is solely based on food).
6. “I’m feeling toasted.” (I’m tired vs. I relate to the state of this bagel).
7. “We’re in a bit of a pickle.” (We’re in trouble vs. our bagel order got messed up and only has pickles).
8. “That’s a whole lot of dough for a bagel.” (That’s expensive vs. this bagel is unusually large).
9. “He really buttered me up with that bagel.” (He flattered me vs. he literally put butter on my bagel).
10. “Stop loafing around and toast that bagel!” (Get to work vs. we’re hungry for toasted bagels).
11. “You’re twisting my words like a pretzel… bagel.” (Misinterpreting my meaning vs. physically manipulating a baked good).
12. “I’m feeling crumb-y today.” (Feeling down vs. covered in bagel crumbs).
13. “Don’t be a sourdough loser.” (Don’t be a sore loser vs. literally comparing someone to a type of bread).
14. “She’s got that whole schmear campaign going on.” (She’s got a plan vs. she’s overly spreading cream cheese on her bagel).
15. “He’s got his head stuck in a hole-y place.” (He’s oblivious vs. literally stuck in a bagel hole).
16. “We need to have a poppy seed talk.” (A serious conversation vs. discussing what to put on our bagels).
17. “Life is like a box of… bagels. You never know what you’re gonna get.” (Unpredictable nature of life vs. the variety in a bagel assortment).

Recursive Puns About Bagel: Because You Can’t Just Have One Laugh (Or Toasting)

1. Why don’t bagels ever get lost? Because they always know how to find their way back to the center of the hole thing.
2. What’s a bagel’s favorite genre of music? Anything but “hole” music, that’s for sure.
3. Why did the bagel break up with the donut? He said she was too “glaze-d” over other pastries. She said he had a “hole” lot of nerve.
4. What did the bagel say to the cream cheese? “Let’s get together and make this relationship hole-ier.”
5. Why did the bagel go to the doctor? It was feeling a little crumby.
6. Why did the bagel get fired from its job at the library? It kept getting the books hole- punched.
7. What do you call a bagel that’s always getting into trouble? A real pain in the hole.
8. Why did the bagel cross the road? To prove it wasn’t chicken…salad.
9. How do bagels stay so fit? They do a lot of cardio-hole workouts.
10. Why are bagels such good listeners? They’re always willing to lend an ear…or at least a hole that looks like one.
11. What’s a bagel’s favorite movie? “Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Hole.”
12. How does a bagel apologize? It says, “I’m sorry, from the bottom of my hole heart.”
13. A bagel walks into a bakery and asks for a raise. The baker says, “Sorry, you’re already paid dough.”
14. I went to a bagel shop that was out of bagels… …It was a sign from the universe to quit while I was a-head.

Funny Bagel Tom Swifties – Jokes and Puns: Guaranteed to Make You Say “Spread the Laughter!”

1. “This bagel is stale!” Tom said crustily.
2. “I love a good poppy seed bagel,” Tom said seedily.
3. “Is this bagel toasted?” Tom asked flatly.
4. “I dropped my bagel!” Tom said dejectedly.
5. “I prefer my bagel plain,” Tom said simply.
6. “This bagel is huge!” Tom said whol-heartedly.
7. “I only like sesame seed bagels,” Tom said seedily.
8. “This bagel is perfect with cream cheese!” Tom said spread-the-word.
9. “I could eat bagels all day,” Tom said toast-ally.
10. “This bagel tastes a bit off,” Tom said distastefully.
11. “I like my bagels split in half,” Tom said dividedly.
12. “This bagel is super chewy!” Tom said densely.
13. “I wonder what kind of bagel this is?” Tom said rye-ly.
14. “I can’t choose between these bagels,” Tom said indecisively.
15. “This bagel is too salty!” Tom said with a grain of salt.
16. “Pass the cream cheese, please!” Tom said smoothly.

Bagel Spoonerisms: Where “Lox and schmear” becomes a whole new schmear of laughter.

1. “Whale the schmear!” (instead of “Well, the cream cheese!”)
2. “Pass the lox, please.” (instead of “Pass the locks, please.”) – Great for a brunch table!
3. “Honey, I beakfast in bed!” (instead of “Honey, I breakfast in bed!”) – For the bagel-loving spouse.
4. “This bagel is totally toasted!” (instead of “This bagel is totally toasted!”) – Okay, this one is true either way.
5. “I love a good poppy seed schmear.” (instead of “I love a good poppy seed cream cheese.”) – Emphasis on the delicious confusion.
6. “Don’t forget to pack your bagel bunch!” (instead of “Don’t forget to pack your lunch bag!”) – Essential for field trips.
7. “I’m feeling very bagel shmeary today.” (instead of “I’m feeling very hungry schmeary today.”) – When the bagel craving hits hard.
8. “That seagull stole my bugel!” (instead of “That seagull stole my bagel!”) – The classic beach day mishap.
9. “Can I interest you in a bagel with lox and schmeam cheese?” (instead of “Can I interest you in a bagel with lox and cream cheese?”) – For a sophisticated bagel order.
10. “This bagel is chewier than a leather woat!” (instead of “This bagel is chewier than a leather coat!”) – When the bagel puts up a fight.
11. “Oops, I dropped my bagel on the shmor!” (instead of “Oops, I dropped my bagel on the floor!”) – The bagel’s worst nightmare.
12. “Let’s split a bagel and shmear it with cream cheese.” (instead of “Let’s split a bagel and smear it with cream cheese.”) – Sharing is caring, even with spoonerisms.
13. “I could really go for a big bowl of bagel soup.” (instead of “I could really go for a big bowl of bagel soup.”) – Wait, is this already a thing?
14. “My favorite kind of bagel is an everything shingle.” (instead of “My favorite kind of bagel is an everything single.”) – Because why have one topping when you can have them all?
15. “He’s got such a great sense of shmumer!” (instead of “He’s got such a great sense of humor!”) – Especially when it comes to bagels.
16. “Time to make the bagels!” (instead of “Time to make the bagels!”) – Some things just can’t be improved with a spoonerism.

That’s All, Folks! Bagel-ieve It Or Not.

We’re yeast-ern you had a good time with these bagel puns! But don’t worry, the fun doesn’t have to stop here. Rise to the occasion and knead more laughs? Explore our website for a whole oven full of hilarious puns and jokes that will have you rolling on the floor laughing. You butter believe it!

About the Author: Sarah Ejaz

I, Sarah Ejaz, am the creative force behind ThePunnyWorld.com, your premier destination for chuckles and chortles. With my expertise in English Literature and extensive experience as a freelance creative writer, I craft jokes and puns that light up your day. Explore our world for your daily dose of humor, and let the good times roll! Find and read here my Best Puns.

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