News Puns & Jokes: You Won’t Believe What You Read! 📰🤣

Hold onto your headlines, folks, because you’re about to experience a newsflash of 😂FUN😂! Get ready for the BEST news puns and jokes this side of the internet. This carefully curated list of knee-slappers is jam-packed with clever and positive humor – perfect for kids and adults who appreciate a good groan-worthy pun. 📰 Get your giggle on and scroll down for some seriously funny jokes about the news! You won’t believe these punny gems! ✨

Top News Puns & Jokes That’ll Have You Headlines and Giggles

1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
2. I used to be addicted to the news, but I’m trying to break the habit…cold turkey.
3. Heard about the psychic dwarf who escaped from prison? They say he’s a small medium at large.
4. What’s the difference between a journalist and a pizza? A pizza can feed a family.
5. Breaking news: A local mime has been arrested for a series of silent crimes. Details are still coming in.
6. My attempt at writing a news headline about a bear stealing honey from a local farm went downhill fast.
7. I told my wife some news about cryptocurrency over breakfast. As usual, it was Bitcoin her ears.
8. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
9. What do you call it when a group of apes starts a newspaper company? Monkey business.
10. What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
11. Never trust stairs. They’re always up to something.
12. What does oblivious mean? I have no idea!
13. What do you call bears with no teeth? Gummy bears!
14. Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out!
15. How does a penguin build its house? Igloos it together!

News-Worthy Chuckles: One-Liner Jokes So Funny They Should Be Headlines

1. I heard a rumor that oxygen is dating magnesium… OMg!
2. Breaking news: A local mime just broke his silence in a heated argument about hand gestures.
3. The economy is so bad, even fortune tellers are accepting credit cards.
4. I saw a sign that said “Watch for Children.” How do you watch for children? What am I, a lifeguard for toddlers?
5. A new study shows that 9 out of 10 people enjoy gossiping about the 1 out of 10 who don’t.
6. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, I took it to the movies. It loved the new Spiderman film!
7. I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
8. My therapist told me I have an obsession with revenge. Well, just wait until they see what I do next! (Just kidding… maybe.)
9. What do you call an illegally parked frog? Toadally wrong.
10. I just got fired from my job at the bank. Apparently, my position was “redundant.” They clearly haven’t seen my dance moves.
11. I tried to explain to my wife that she was spending too much, but all my words fell on deaf ears… or maybe she just had her expensive headphones on again.
12. My dog chased after a car and managed to catch it. Now we have to return it.
13. What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
14. I put my root beer in a square glass. Now it’s just beer.
15. My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it. So, I took it to Las Vegas. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!

Quotes About ‘News’ That Don’t Fake Their Own Death

1. “News: Where they dig up the dirt on Monday and bury it by Friday.”
2. “The news is like a bad boyfriend – always trying to get my attention with negativity, but I know I deserve better!”
3. “I read the news every morning to get my daily dose of “Well, that’s terrifying” before my coffee.”
4. “They say laughter is the best medicine, so I’m starting to think the news should come with a free bottle of aspirin.”
5. Trying to stay informed by reading the news is like trying to drink from a firehose… that’s also on fire.
6. “The news: Proof that truth is stranger than fiction, but they forgot to add ‘way more depressing.'”
7. “Headline: ‘World Ending Tomorrow!’ Sub-headline: ‘But first, here’s a recipe for banana bread.'”
8. “I haven’t decided yet if I’m more afraid of what’s actually IN the news, or what they’re NOT telling me.”
9. “The news ticker: Where urgency goes to scroll endlessly into oblivion.”
10. “Breaking news: We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming for more things that make you question humanity.”
11. Found a positive news story today… turns out it was from 1998 and someone just forgot to recycle the paper.
12. “I’m convinced ‘News at 11’ is just a cruel prank journalists play on people who forgot to record their favorite late-night show.”
13. “Whenever I watch the financial news, I understand how my dog feels when I try to explain taxes.”
14. “Some people do crossword puzzles. I try to find a single positive news story. We all have our challenges.”
15. “The good news is… well, there’s always tomorrow to look forward to, right?”

Dad Jokes about “News” That’ll Have You Headline-ing for the Bathroom

1. I wanted to start a news website that only reports on good things… but I couldn’t find any source material. Guess it’s just not news-worthy!
2. What do you call it when a news channel tells the same joke twice? Breaking news…again!
3. I tried reading the news online, but my browser history was looking a bit too sus-picious.
4. I told my friend all the bad news he missed while he was gone… He said, “Hey, I’ve been gone a week, not a news-cycle!”
5. You know what they call a snail that works for the news? A slow-cial media manager.
6. Why don’t they ever show the news in alphabetical order? It would be too hard to find anything from A to Z.
7. Did you hear about the psychic news reporter? He got fired for revealing tomorrow’s news… today!
8. My wife says I’m addicted to the news. But I told her, “Honey, it’s breaking news!”
9. How can you tell if a news story is about bread? You can always spot the yeast-erday’s date on it.
10. I thought about becoming a news anchorman… but I didn’t want to work on a ship.
11. Why did the old newspaper jokes retire? They just couldn’t cut it in the digital age.
12. I wanted to tell you a joke about procrastination, but I decided to put it off… just like tomorrow’s news.
13. Apparently, there’s a news channel that only broadcasts what your neighbors are doing. They call it Neigh-BC.
14. My wife is tired of me watching too much financial news. She says I need to give my portfolio a rest!
15. What’s the difference between a good news story and Bigfoot? There’s evidence good news stories exist!

News Puns & Jokes for Kids: Extra, Extra, Read All About the Giggles

1. Why was the newspaper always invited to parties? Because it had all the latest scoops!
2. What do you call a bear that reports the news? A news-bear!
3. Where do reporters dance? At a news-ball!
4. What did the newspaper say to the joke? Hey, I like your headlines!
5. Why did the newspaper get bad grades? It liked to ex-claim too much!
6. What do you call it when a news story breaks in a bakery? Breaking bread news!
7. How does the news travel so fast? It’s always headline-ing somewhere!
8. What news website do cats love to read? The Daily Meow!
9. Why did the news report make everyone laugh? It was filled with punny news!
10. Where can you find news about fish? On the front page of the “Daily Fin!”
11. What kind of news do birds read? Tweets!
12. What happens when a crayon gets a job at a newspaper? It becomes a news-colorist!
13. I wanted to tell a joke about the news, but… you’ve probably heard it already!
14. What do you call a funny news story that everyone’s talking about? Viral news!
15. Why did the reporter bring a ladder to work? To get the highest-level news!

News You Can Lose: Double Entendre Puns That’ll Have You in Stitches

1. I tried starting a newsletter about nudist colonies, but I struggled to get the news to spread.
2. Heard about the psychic news reporter? He could report on tomorrow’s news, yesterday.
3. My friend started a news website reporting only good news. It’s still loading.
4. The news station is hiring someone to fabricate stories. You could say they’re looking for a “news” tailor.
5. My grandma asked me to summarize today’s news. With a heavy heart, I told her, “They’re still doing stuff.”
6. Breaking news: local man claims he has no interesting news. Story developing…
7. Being a news anchor is a tough job, but someone’s gotta tell you what happened between your morning coffee and your evening glass of wine.
8. Why did the journalist wear camouflage? To blend in with the background news.
9. A newspaper’s headlines should be like a good bra: supportive, uplifting, and maybe a little bit pushy.
10. What do you call it when pigeons deliver the news? Bird’s eye news.
11. Working in the news industry is stressful. I need to find a way to unwind. Any news on that?
12. A man walks into a library and asks for books on paranoia. The librarian whispers, “They’re right behind you, watching your every news search!”
13. The new reporter was so nervous, he kept referring to the teleprompter as his “news” flash cards.
14. I tried writing for a fake news website, but I got fired. Apparently, my work was too believable.
15. A good news story is like a good joke—you shouldn’t have to explain it.

Recursive Puns about ‘News’ So Meta Even We Don’t Get It

1. Why don’t they ever print the whole story in the news? Because they always say “For more on this story, visit our website!” That’s just lazy reporting…or is this lazy reporting too?
2. Heard the news is starting to report on the news? Now that’s meta… even for the news.
3. What do you call fake news about fake news? Apparently, that’s just the news now.
4. Tried explaining to the news anchor that his job is literally “old news” the second he reads it. He didn’t find it as funny as I did. Guess you could say he wasn’t… up to date on the joke?
5. This just in: News puns are officially the hardest kind of puns to write. Hopefully, this list doesn’t prove that to be… old news?
6. Why did the journalist quit his job? He said he was tired of just reporting the news. He wanted to… make it. Get it? Because he’s spreading rumors now?
7. The news is reporting on a shortage of good news. Now that’s just ironic… or is it just more bad news?
8. Why did the news anchor refuse to read the breaking news about a paper shortage? He said he refused to participate in… something something… “📰”-pocrisy? I don’t know, I just write the jokes.
9. You know you’ve hit peak “news overload” when even the news starts reporting on how much news there is. Like, we get it! We’re living it!
10. The news is reporting on a new study about how reading too much news can be bad for your health. Well, that’s just great. Now I’m stressed AND uninformed.
11. I used to think the news was supposed to be informative, now I’m not sure what it is. Maybe someone should report on that… wait a minute…
12. Why did the comedian tell a joke about the news? He knew it would be… current events!
13. Breaking news: Puns about the news are officially a thing. Back to you, Tom.
14. Tried writing a song about the news, but it kept repeating itself. Guess you could say it was… stuck on a loop?
15. What’s the only thing faster than the speed of light? Bad news, unfortunately. Speaking of bad news, this list is over!

QnA Jokes & Puns about ‘News’ That’ll Have You Headlines-ing for the Funny Farm

1. Q: What do you call a news story that’s been around the block a few times? A: Old news, but don’t worry, it’s still got that vintage charm!
2. Q: Why don’t journalists ever tell secrets in a garden? A: Because the beans have ears, the potatoes have eyes, and the corn has ears… someone’s always listening!
3. Q: What’s the most reliable source for weather news? A: The sky, it’s got its head in the clouds!
4. Q: Why did the news anchor refuse to report on the escaped mime? A: He didn’t want to stay silent on the issue!
5. Q: What’s the best thing about Swiss news? A: I don’t know, but it’s pretty neutral.
6. Q: Why do reporters carry notebooks? A: To draw pictures of the news, duh! Who has time for writing?
7. Q: What do you call a group of owls that work in the news industry? A: An investigative hoot-urnalism team!
8. Q: Why did the journalist bring a ladder to the interview? A: He heard the source had a top story!
9. Q: What happens when a news story goes viral? A: It catches a digital cold and starts sneezing out clickbait headlines!
10. Q: Why did the newspaper win an award? A: It had the best coverage, literally! It was printed on a really cozy blanket.
11. Q: Where do reporters go to learn how to dig up stories? A: Journalism school, where else? They have a whole course on “Advanced Shoveling.”
12. Q: What’s black and white and red all over? A: News from a dalmatian farm. It’s always a spotted affair!
13. Q: Why don’t they trust atoms to report the news? A: Because they tend to make up everything!
14. Q: What website do cats use to stay up on current events? A: The Daily Meow!
15. Q: How do you find out what’s happening in the ocean? A: You just have to read the current news!

News’ Malapropisms: Hear Ye, Misspellers and Twisted Tonguers!

1. Did you hear the gnus about the escaped zoo animals?
2. They say laughter is the best medicine, but have you tried reading the knees?
3. He’s always spreading nooze; he takes an afternoon nap every day!
4. My uncle says he gets all his news from the hive mind – he’s a beekeeper.
5. She’s the editor-in-chief, the reigning queen of nooze!
6. Don’t be so negative; read some good gnus for once!
7. He’s got a nose for news, always sniffing out a story.
8. The latest news from the bakery? They’re having a sourdough sale!
9. Breaking gnus: Local squirrels demand larger acorns!
10. That journalist is so dedicated, she even sleeps with a copy of “The Noose” under her pillow.
11. His stand-up routine was basically just reading the news in a funny voice.
12. I like my news like I like my coffee – instant and full of questionable information.
13. The gossip magazine promised juicy gnus, but it was all just recycled stories.
14. You could say I was surprised by the news – I nearly fell off my dinosaur!
15. He’s always got his head buried in a newspaper, catching up on the daily nooze.

News Spoonerisms: You Won’t Belive These Fluffable Speech Errors

1. “Sew me the gnus!” (Show me the news!)
2. “Don’t booze me the had news!” (Don’t show me the bad news!)
3. “He’s a real mews-hound!” (He’s a real news-hound!)
4. “What’s the latest shoes from the news?” (What’s the latest news from the shoes?)
5. “That shmoosie anchorman… always dropping his cues!” (That smooth anchorman… always dropping his news!)
6. “This story is red hot booze!” (This story is red hot news!)
7. “Hold the honeys, this just in!” (Hold the phoneys, this just in!)
8. “He weasels the hews for a living.” (He reads the news for a living.)
9. “Time for the six o’clock snooze!” (Time for the six o’clock news!)
10. “Well, bust my buttons, that’s the news!” (Well, dust my buttons, that’s the news!)
11. “They’re calling it breaking stews!” (They’re calling it breaking news!)
12. “This just in: a flu of chew cases reported!” (This just in: a slew of flu cases reported!)
13. “What a wacky shoes story!” (What a wacky news story!)
14. “Did you watch the selectoral debate last night? Pure shews!” (Did you watch the electoral debate last night? Pure news!)
15. “That’s one for the snistory books!” (That’s one for the history books!)

News-flash, These Punny Headlines Are Almost Too Gouda Be True

1. Newsflash Nugget
2. Daily Prophet Punchline
3. Headline Harry
4. Clickbait Clementine
5. The Scoop Troop
6. Extra! Extra! Eddy
7. Breaking Breeze
8. Rumor Rhonda
9. Viral Viktor
10. Trending Timmy
11. Hot Off the Press Presley
12. The Front Page Phantom
13. Editorial Eleanor
14. News Hound Ned
15. Scandalous Susie Q.

Knock-Knock Jokes About ‘News’ That’ll Have You Saying “What’s the Headline?”

1. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News flash: you’re about to laugh!
2. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News you can use… to tell a friend a joke!
3. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News travels fast, so get ready for a punchline!
4. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News this is a funny joke, pass it on!
5. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News I could tell you a joke, would you hear it?
6. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News you’re in for a treat with this joke!
7. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News to me you’re not laughing yet!
8. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News this isn’t a serious conversation, it’s a joke!
9. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News I had you laughing, I’d be a comedian!
10. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News this: jokes are good for the soul!
11. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News you should smile more, a joke’s coming!
12. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News alert: this joke is about to land!
13. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News this joke is worth sharing!
14. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News I’m not a reporter, but I deliver punchlines!
15. Knock, knock! Who’s there? News. News who? News flash: laughter is the best medicine, enjoy the joke!

That’s All Folks! No News Is Good News (For Your Funny Bone)

Well, folks, that’s the news for today! We hope these 140+ jokes about news tickled your funny bone, or at least gave you a good chuckle. We’re dedicated to bringing you the most pun-derful and hilarious content, so if you’re thirsty for more side-splitting puns and jokes, be sure to explore the rest of our punny website. Trust us, it’s headline news!

About the Author: Sarah Ejaz

I, Sarah Ejaz, am the creative force behind ThePunnyWorld.com, your premier destination for chuckles and chortles. With my expertise in English Literature and extensive experience as a freelance creative writer, I craft jokes and puns that light up your day. Explore our world for your daily dose of humor, and let the good times roll! Find and read here my Best Puns.

Facebook Page Instagram Pinterest Threads X.com YouTube